oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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