You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm jealous of your bromance
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
