My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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