Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm too high and old for this...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
