just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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