when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
wanna go halves on a baby?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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