my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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