He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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