How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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