You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We named our party play list daddy issues
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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