btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
