Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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