we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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