dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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