The maid of honor just puked.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
