Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
