i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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