my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
