so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
