At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
try to milk me bitch
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