My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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