It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
PANTIES FOUND
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