If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
