before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
