Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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