Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
