mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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