The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
