i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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