apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
