Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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