shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
