Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
