oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
