I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
your like the ambassador to my penis.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
