This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
