My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize