People with herpes should wear stickers.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
