So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
