did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
