Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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