Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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