I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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