well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
