I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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