apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
