Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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