If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
