covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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