Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
