im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
