So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
