I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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