I could make wine with my vomit
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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