OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
