My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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