just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
