New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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