he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
